Stephan
by Zsugami Alba
Summary: Voldemort's resurrection in the graveyard has unforeseen consequences.
1. Chapter 1

**ZA: Hellooooo! Now, a little warning: this is my very first NON-crossover fic, but I think you'll enjoy it. This was inspired by an off-scene character mentioned in ****The Dead of Winter**** by ForeverFalling86. That character's name was Stephan. Since she killed off Peter Pettigrew, she needed someone to resurrect the Dark Lord. She said, and I quote, "Let's name him Stephan." So now I present to you Lord Stephan Fauntleroy. Harry Potter does not belong to me, nor does the idea of Stephan – though I've embellished the character, possibly beyond recognition.**

Stephan: scenes from the graveyard

"Kill the spare," a low, hissing voice sounded from the bundle of rags.

Harry didn't know where exactly he was, but he knew they were in trouble. The cup had been a portkey.

The man carrying the bundle spoke up: "Now, now, he's a Hufflepuff! How can he foil your most evil plans? Besides, I like Hufflepuffs. How about I just stun him, Your Most Evil One?"

"Oh, very well. Stun him if you must. Just be quick about it," the hissing voice acquiesced.

"All right then, Your Darkness! Stupefy!" The man twirled his wand with a flourish reminiscent of Gilderoy Lockhart, and Cedric went down.

"Now bind Potter!"

"Of course, Master of Insidious Plots! Incarcerous!"

Ropes materialized out of nowhere, binding Harry to Tom Riddle's headstone. The man drew closer now, and Harry finally got a good look at him. His attacker's black robes were trimmed with an abundance of lace. The mask obscuring the top half of his face looked like something from a Mardi Gras parade. Covered in rhinestones and feathers, there was even a large, teardrop-shaped jewel dangling before the wearer's nose.

"Commence with the ritual," the hiss sounded again.

"All right, all right. No need to be hasty. I'm getting to it."

There was a slight pause before the black-robed man spoke again. "Hmm…what was it again? Let me see…Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son," he intoned. With a wave of his wand, a bone wriggled up from the grave before Harry and floated over to land in a large cauldron.

"Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your master. Wait. Hold on a minute. Eric? Come over here! Another robed figure emerged from the shadows of the night with slow steps.

"Yes, Stephan?" Harry recognized the tone of voice from Mad Eye's lessons on the imperius curse. This new guy was obviously under the influence.

"Jump into the cauldron, Eric! It's for a good cause," Stephan ordered. Eric obeyed without question.

"Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe." And with that, Stephan brought forth a dagger from inside his frilly robes. "So sorry. This should only hurt a little bit."

It hurt a lot, the liar.

Stephan collected Harry's blood in a small vial. "Would you like a plaster? I've got Babbity Rabbit."

Harry just looked at him in complete confusion. Who was this guy?

"Perhaps not." Stephan looked a bit hurt but quickly recovered his enthusiasm for the task at hand. He poured the contents of the vial into the cauldron. "Time for your rejuvenating bath, O Cunning One!" and Stephan unceremoniously plopped the bundle into the cauldron.

"Ow," hissed the voice.

"Sorry," replied Stephan, absently.

* * *

"It is true I lost my body that night, but now I have been reborn! So, my loyal deathea—"

Voldemort was suddenly interrupted.

"Oh, isn't that wonderful, my Lord? You get a second childhood!" exclaimed Stephan. All the deatheaters turned to look at him – even Avery, who was still slightly twitching on the ground.

"But then…wait a minute…wait a minute," Stephan looked as if something momentous were slowly dawning on him. "If you've been…reborn…and I performed the ritual…that means…I'm your daddy!"

Harry would have face-palmed if he had use of his arms. Voldemort, however, looked slightly horrified. Who was this guy? Why wasn't Voldemort killing him for daring to interrupt?

"Oh, Voldiekins! What a joyous occasion! If I had realized earlier, I would've brought balloons and a cake." Stephan was ecstatic. In contrast, the expression on Voldemort's face seemed to scream _Get away from me, you freak! _as his exuberant servant came forward with arms outstretched for a welcoming hug.

"Never mind that now, Stephan," Voldemort recovered. "I must finish my speech."

* * *

"Oh, do be careful, Son! He has a wand! Ooh! You almost got him that time." Stephan's cheering and play-by-play commentary were starting to get on everyone's nerves, but Harry did his best to ignore the fool. Who was this guy?

"Expelliarmus!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Ooh! Pretty lights! They're like golden strings. And what is that enchanting music?"

Seriously, who was this guy?

* * *

"What happened, Potter?" Moody inquired.

"There was this strange man who performed this ritual that brought Voldemort to life," Harry began in a dazed voice. "And then deatheaters came, and Voldemort started to make this speech, but—"

"Never mind that. Did he forgive them?" Moody demanded to know.

"I think so. I mean, he didn't kill him for interrupting his speech."

"What? Interrupting…?" Moody was confused.

"Yes, the guy who performed the ritual. I think his name was Stephan. He kept going on about – "

"Oh, Stephan. Never mind him. Did the Dark Lord forgive his followers?" Moody reiterated.

"Um…yes? Professor Moody, who is this Stephan guy? He was really weird."

Then the door was blasted open, Moody was stunned, and Dumbledore walked in.

* * *

"Harry, I need you to tell me what happened in the graveyard," said Dumbledore gently.

"Voldemort was resurrected by this really strange man. Moody – I mean Crouch didn't want to hear about him, but I think his name was Stephan."

"Ah yes, Stephan Fauntleroy." Dumbledore had that twinkle in his eye again. "So he's returned as well? Brilliant. With war imminent, we could use the funds."


	2. Chapter 2

**ZA: Ah, here we are again with a new chapter of Stephan!**

**CRB: Finally!**

**ZA: Ahem. Mother, I am talking to my minions.**

**CRB: Sorry.**

**ZA: I finally decided to continue it after a very long time brainstorming and discussing it with Crispy Rice Burroughs, whom I shall refer to from now on as "Crispy" for the sake of brevity. Stephan has already gone on many adventures in our stories, including a high-speed chase and shootout with muggle law enforcement. That last one will probably be addressed in a later chapter. For now, let's continue where we left off. Oh! I do not own Harry Potter.**

Stephan: The Society for Incurably Criminal Puppies

"Stephan, what are you doing?" Voldemort inquired of his most eccentric minion. Really, the man was infuriating, but incredibly loyal (one of the few Hufflepuffs in his circle) – not to mention disgustingly rich. Stephan was currently filling out what appeared to be a small, rectangular form. Voldemort took a closer look. "What is a Euro? And why do you feel the need to pay 50,000 of them to…SICP? What is that?"

Stephan turned and smiled dotingly at his favorite dark lord. "It's an acronym, my dear Voldiekins. SICP stands for the Society for Incurably Criminal Puppies. They give homes to unwanted mongrels that have been reduced to a life of crime because they've never experienced the love of a good family. I'm donating a small sum to help their cause, the poor dears. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten your weekly allowance. I'll take care of that in just a moment."

* * *

Meeting the real Moody was a very odd experience for Harry. It was almost as strange as watching Number 12 Grimauld Place squeeze itself into existence. Harry was surprised at how much Mad Eye resembled his imposter. Apparently, Barty Crouch's portrayal of the auror was spot on.

It was also wonderful to see Sirius again. Not that he could see his godfather at the moment. All of the adults had shooed the children out of the kitchen and sealed themselves into a secret meeting. Fred and George were currently attempting to listen in with a set of extendable ears.

"It sounds like Sirius is complaining about something. Hang on… 'I'm getting tired of being shut up in tiny kennels for your public service announcements, Albus!'" George spoke, relaying Sirius' words to the rest of the group.

"What's a public service announcement?" Ron asked.

"It's a muggle television or radio commercial intended to convey important information to the public," Hermione supplied.

George's recitation continued: "And Severus distributed all of those pictures of me wearing that cone of shame."

"Cone of shame?" Fred asked with a grin. "What do you suppose that is?"

George shrugged. "Maybe it's one of those orange things muggles keep setting out on the road."

Hermione rolled her eyes at their ignorance. "It's a plastic cone placed around an animal's head to prevent them from chewing on a recent injury."

Understanding was slowly dawning on Harry, but he didn't quite understand how he could be understanding this correctly. "They made Snuffles wear a cone of shame? In front of Snape? For a public service announcement? What is going on? I thought they were going to discuss Voldemort and stuff."

"Well, obviously this falls under the 'and stuff' category," Fred offered helpfully.

"Wait!" George hissed. "Who's this Stephan bloke they keep mentioning?"

Harry's eyes grew big. "Stephan? That weirdo from the graveyard? He's the one that resurrected Voldemort."

George raised an eyebrow, looking pensive. "Apparently, this cone of shame business is designed to scam money from Stephan in order to fund the Order."

And then it hit Hermione. "That's brilliant! They're posing as a charity for an animal shelter, and they're using Sirius to film the commercials. I suppose this Stephan has a soft spot for dogs."

"You mean, Voldemort's most loyal follower is also funding his worst enemies?" Harry asked incredulously.

Fred whistled low, obviously impressed. "That's a prank worthy of a marauder." Little did he know that Mssr. Moony had been the one to come up with the plan.

* * *

"Now, Voldiekins," Stephan admonished the dark lord he'd come to think of as his very own son. "A puppy is a puppy, neither muggle nor magical, and they all need love."

* * *

**ZA: I have it on good authority that the commercial the Order is making features Celestina Warbeck's soulful rendition of "Oh, Danny Boy". Sirius now shudders uncontrollably whenever he hears that song. Snape has taken to humming it at random moments during Order meetings. Despite all of Dumbledore's assertions that "Severus is merely showing empathy in his own way," Sirius is still plotting the Potions Master's demise.**


	3. Chapter 3

**ZA: This is, by far, the funniest chapter of ****Stephan****.**

**Crispy: So far, anyway.**

**ZA: I almost feel sorry for Voldiekins.**

**Crispy: But Severus gets a chance to be cool.**

**ZA: Like James Bond cool, or what's that zombie show you keep watching?**

**Crispy: "The Walking Dead" – Yeah! He's like Darryl!**

**ZA: He waits until the danger has passed before breaking down. Anyway, I don't own Harry Potter.**

Stephan: I call shotgun!

Voldemort bestowed an approving gaze upon his potions master as he accepted the requested potions. "Ah, Severus. It was so good of you to stop by."

"Oh! And were you informed that the next get together is at Luci's house?" asked Stephan with his usual exuberance. "Do you have a ride?"

"I thought I would -" Severus began, but was interrupted.

"You can carpool with us! It will be fun! I think my Voldie would get lonely in the back seat."

Voldemort rolled his eyes and said, "I could use more stimulating conversation. Otherwise, he'll just play that recording of children singing nursery rhymes. He does that when things get too quiet."

"Of course, my lord. I am at your service," Severus agreed.

The three men headed to the carriage house where Stephan proudly displayed his new acquisition. Voldemort's head involuntarily tilted back away from the vehicle. "Stephan, what is that?'

"It's a minivan! Every good parent drives one. They're quite safe."

Voldemort sneered at the bulky, celestial blue box on wheels. "Very well. I will deign to use it if nothing else is available."

"All right, Voldiekins! Let me just strap you into your carseat!" Stephan slid open the side door to reveal a large, pink, legless chair attached to the middle of the back seat.

"Surely he's not serious," muttered Severus as he took in both carseat and dark lord.

Voldemort actually seemed to be blushing from embarrassment. Severus knew better than to notice. Stephan definitely did not notice.

"Just hop in, sweetie, and I'll do up the buckles."

Voldemort closed his eyes for a moment and chanted under his breath, "He's very rich, he's very rich, he's very rich…" Then he climbed into the seat. It was uncomfortably small. Stephan frowned.

"Oh that won't do at all, but it was the largest one they had." He quickly waved his wand and enlarged the seat. "Much better!"

Voldemort submitted to the buckling in portion of the evening with a warning glance at Severus not to say a word. Severus sat beside him and buckled his own seat belt in solidarity. Stephan hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaah!" came a blood-chilling laugh from the usually cheery aristocrat. "Hold on tight, kids. We're in for a bumpy ride!" he said in a low, creepy voice. Then he turned the key in the ignition, and the nightmare began.

Severus had never witnessed anything like it. It seemed as though Stephan had suddenly become drunk with the power of his 248 horse power V6 engine. The man drove like a…well, a madman. Their speed matched the Knight Bus, and Stephan's driving style was shockingly aggressive. He yelled obscenities at other drivers, almost hit a nun leading a group of orphans across the street, and took out more than a few traffic signs. After what seemed like hours, he brought the death trap to a screeching halt, leaving a trail of burnt rubber along Lucius' driveway. Severus didn't even know you could leave tire tracks on gravel.

As the dust settled, Stephan popped out and resumed his usual cheery manner as he helped Voldemort out of his seat. Severus was tempted to drop to the ground and kiss the earth in celebration of his continued existence and new appreciation for solid ground, but he retained his dignity. Voldemort had no such reservations. The dark lord nearly wept with relief as he planted no less than five smackers on the gravel drive. "I'm alive! I'm alive!"

The three of them approached the front door, two of them staggering along behind the oblivious first.

* * *

"And that concludes today's meeting."

"Very good, my lord," drawled Lucius. "Now, if we are excused, I have some errands I must attend to."

"Do you need a ride?" Stephan asked.

Severus exchanged a look with Voldemort and said, "That's a splendid idea. Ride with us, Lucius. You may have the honor of sitting next to our master. I call shotgun."

Just twenty minutes later, Lucius and Voldemort were clutching each other for dear life as sirens blared in the distance. Severus glanced at the side mirror. "I do believe we have company, Stephan."

"There's a shotgun in the glove compartment. They'll never take us alive! Hahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha!"

Knowing better than to argue with a madman, Severus opened the glove compartment (obviously enlarged by magical means) and pulled out a Boss &amp; Co. double barreled shotgun, fully loaded. A box of extra ammo fell to the floor. Severus hoped he wouldn't be needing it.

Deciding that the best vantage point would be through the moon roof, Severus cast a stabilizing charm on himself and unbuckled his seat belt. Then he carefully climbed onto his seat and worked his upper body through the small opening. He paused a moment, taking in the situation before aiming at the front police car's left tire.

BLAM! The tire exploded, and the front car veered off into a ditch. Stephan cackled, "I see you've found the armor piercing bullets! Your aim is a bit low, though."

Severus did his best to ignore him and took aim at the second car. BLAM! Whoops! He'd hit the grill. Luckily, the lake the car drove into was shallow. Suddenly the van swerved. Severus looked down to see Stephan fiddling with the radio dial.

"What are you doing? Keep your eyes on the road!" Severus shouted.

"I'm checking to see if we've made the news yet," Stephan replied. Sure enough, the radio announcer's voice came through loud and clear:

"Local police are currently in pursuit of a light blue minivan speeding down the motorway towards Little Hangleton. Eyewitness descriptions of the van include details such as a dented front fender and a 'Baby on Board' sign in the rear window. Let's hope there are no children involved in this dangerous high speed chase."

Then Severus heard the approaching beat of helicopters. He was going to have to think fast to get them out of this one.

"Lucius! Use your wand to impede the muggle law enforcement," he ordered.

Lucius looked more than a little reluctant to surrender his death grip on his fellow passenger. "But Severus…the Statute of Secrecy!"

"Are you a Death Eater or not?" Severus roared. "Be discreet and fell some trees onto the road, or something. I must focus on the aerial attackers."

"Hahahahahahaha! I've never faced helicopters before! A new record!"

Voldemort decided he'd had enough. "Are you insane? Just pull over and obliviate everyone!"

"Leave this to Daddy, Voldiekins. Daddy knows what he's doing."

The van swerved again as Stephan reached for the glove compartment. "Luci," he said, handing a Browning 9mm to the terrified blonde, "This is Susan. She'll be gentle with you as long as you are gentle with her. Now roll down the window and kill some muggles!"

Luckily, Lucius was a terrible shot. The special incendiary bullets were still doing a number on the surrounding greenery. "Oh dear. I do believe I've started a forest fire."

"Never mind that," admonished Severus. "Just tell Stephan to steady the vehicle. We've got aurors coming on broomstick at 8 o'clock!"

Stephan looked momentarily bewildered, "But Sevvy, it's just half past seven."

"Just drive, you fool! Get us the devil out of here!"

"Aurors?" Stephan cried, resuming his menacing voice of doom. "I've got a special treat for them." The van swerved again as Stephan reached into the glove compartment once more and retrieved a hand grenade. To Severus' horror, he pulled the pin and lobbed it carelessly towards the moon roof. It bounced off the edge and landed in Voldemort's lap.

"Noooooooo!" shouted the dark lord. Lucius grabbed it and lobbed it out the side and into the lake where it exploded, sending fish flying into the aurors' path. It bought them just enough time to round a corner and lose themselves behind the muggle repelling charms placed around Voldemort's hideout. By the time the aurors had recovered from the fishy assault, the minivan was long gone.

* * *

Kingsley heaved a sigh as he sunk into the nearest armchair. "We got reports of a magically enhanced automobile that was attracting the attention of the muggle police," he told Molly. Luckily, no muggles were harmed, but there was a lot of damage. The troublemakers gave us the slip, and we spent a good two hours obliviating various witnesses.

"Oh, you poor dear! You must be exhausted. I'll get you a nice cup of tea."

"Where is everyone, by the way?" Kingsley asked.

"Oh, they're down in the basement filming the next public service announcement. Albus thought Sirius needed to look a bit more pathetic."

Suddenly, the front door burst open, startling Mrs. Black's portrait into another tirade. The noise brought the Order's film crew running up from the basement.

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" Sirius bellowed as he endeavored to silence the portrait. "Shut up, you old hag!"

Severus surveyed his old school enemy from his slumped position against the entryway wall. "If I were not so shaken at this moment, I would be handing you a very witty insult. Do you enjoy that contraption so much that you've taken to wearing it even in human form?"

"What?" asked Sirius, confused.

"Ahem," Remus coughed as he pointed to the surgical collar still fastened around his friend's neck. Sirius blushed and ripped off the offensive accessory.

"Severus!" Molly cried. "You look positively ill. What on earth happened to you?"

Rather than answering her, Severus turned to the headmaster of Hogwarts and said, "Albus, I demand a raise."

* * *

**ZA: We would love fan art for this chapter.**


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